The Same Old Cycle…

I really don’t know where to start. Good news? Bad news? I should go for the bad news, I guess. I’m pretty sure I’m having an acute MS attack at the moment. Well, it started a while ago, actually, but it was like it always is. I didn’t notice it in the beginning, probably because I was too busy with a lot of other stuff. When I first noticed something, I tried to ignore it, because it wasn’t really a big deal anyway and I so didn’t need an MS attack right now. Duh, when do I ever? I somehow manged to push it all to the back of my mind, because I just didn’t want to deal with it on top of a lot of work at work and with the presentation I had to finish for this class and all. But of course I knew that something wasn’t right and of course I noticed that the symptoms didn’t get better, but rather the opposite. Even before I left for the weekend seminar, I thought about calling in sick this following week, see my neurologist, let my blood stream fill up with corticosteroids, deal with all the side effects and hope for the best.

Once I hade made up my mind to actually admit to myself (+ my family and my doc tomorrow) I started to beat myself up for not seeing the neurologist right away and that my decision to wait made it all worse and the vicious cycle of bad thinking started again. I obviously still haven’t found the right way to deal with this disease. Or… I don’t know. I feel kind of bad at the moment, not necessarily in the actual physical sense, but more in the emotional sense. Like I still don’t know what I’m doing. Like I’m still not grown-up and able to make sensible decisions. On the other hand… my mom doesn’t see a doc right away, even when she feels bad and I always scold her for that. So maybe it’s in my genes ;-) Or maybe I still haven’t accepted the fact, that I do have MS and that there is no way to ignore it in the long run… I just don’t know and that’s frustrating. I really need some more positive thinking, but that’s sometimes very hard to achieve. At least for me…
I probably should explain my current symptoms as well: It started with loss of sensation in my left foot (and partially in the right foot as well). I especially noticed that I lost the sense of temperature. The numbness started to grow all the way up to my hip, which didn’t bother me that much in the beginning either. But then a few days ago I noticed some muscle weakness as well. It felt like I wobble a little and couldn’t put my weight on the left leg for too long. This evening I checked some MS websites and that actually is a classic symptom. Just not for me so far. But obviously I can add it to my list :-(

I also have some good news though. I had a wonderful time at the seminar, which was part of one of my  Master’s degree courses. It’s a distance education program, so it’s always nice to meet fellow students face to face, because it’s always fascinating to meet folks from all over Germany (and also Austria + Switzerland) who all have a different background (education, profession, age and life) and you still have so much to talk about. To hear different points of views on the issues we discussed and to learn from that experience. I really enjoy the 2-3 days of these seminars every time. I totally missed the first few days of the Olympics though, because I didn’t have a TV in my room and not really time to read one of the newspaper lying around in the lounge. But I’m catching up at the moment :-)
I think, my presentatiion went rather well. Thank God. It was long, but obviously not too long and the lecturer wasn’t really strict about the time limit anyway. While I was talking and explaining I couldn’t really figure out if my audience was interested or bored, but they had some good questions after I had finished and there was some discussion, which is always a good sign as well. During the coffee break some of them told me, that I did a great job, that they liked it and it was interesting and not boring and not too much information in a short period of time (which was my biggest fear). One of them asked me right away, if he could get a copy of my presentation… so all in all, good feedback. Yay! I’m rather optimistic that I’ll get good grades for it as well. At least I hope I will :-)

There was more I wanted to write about, but I guess I can do that during the next week. I’m going to have a lot of free time on my hands. I’ll probably have to do some work stuff from home after all, in fact, there still is a loooong list of small tasks to complete. The same long list and variety of small tasks that kept me busy (and frustrated) for a while now. But at least on Thursday I started to actually compile a real list of all the stuff, so I can keep track of what I still have to do. There also is another set of coursework to complete to get another step closer to the Master’s degree. TV series to finally catch up with. Olympics to watch. And and acute MS attack to recover from. I probably should have put that first… Oh, well. It is indeed foremost on my mind, but I don’t want it to be the center of my mind or my life.

4 Comments

  1. As my mom would say – we’re all connected. I was wondering, when you said you weren’t feeling well last week if it would lead to an MS issue this week. Sorry you’re feeling crummy, and I hope it passes soon.

    1. Maybe the bad cold I had last week did indeed play a part as well, my immune system obviously was compromised. I hope I won’t get too many of the annoying side effects of the steriods, but I’ll just have to wait and see.

  2. Sorry to hear about your attack. I don’t know if it’s any solace to you but I guess in a way it’s normal to ignore bad thinks and to hope they disappear all by themselves. So try to concentrate on the better side (Grey’s – no chief at all!) and get well soon!

    1. Thanks. Grey’s is definitely something that helps with the cheering up and positive thinking. And rational I know that it’s the right way to NOT think too many negative thoughts, but sometimes I just get back to that. I’ll try to stay more on the positive side..

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