“It wasn’t that anything was wrong, exactly – only that nothing was right.”
When I came across that quote earlier last week, I thought that it’s the perfect description of how I have felt over the last few weeks. Ok, make that months. You might remember my “Lost in Procrastination” post from early August and my mood or state of mind hadn’t changed considerably after I posted it. I continued to feel listless and unfocused and I couldn’t put my finger on what exactly it was that put me in this rather gloomy mood.
I was unhappy about my stupid procrastination habit, but on the other hand obviously couldn’t just stop procrastinating. I didn’t like how my mind was all over the place, instead of focusing on the important things. But I obviously couldn’t bring myself to concentrate on the stuff I ought to be doing. I didn’t like it, but I had no idea how to get out of it, which made me even more unhappy and frustrated. It’s difficult to describe, because it was such a vague sense of feeling… well, like nothing was right. :-)
I even started writing a blog post about it last week, just around the same time I came across the quote above. It’s from “Voyager”, the 3rd novel of the Outlander series, by the way. I’ve been listening to the audiobooks once more (procrastination, what else *g*) and it’s said by Jamie, when he was telling Claire about his marriage to Laoghaire.
That original blog post took me a while to write, because it was and still is difficult to put words to the things that just didn’t feel right. But it definitely helped to write some of it down, even though most of it will never see the light of day, because while I was still in the process of drafting that difficult post a few nice things happened which rendered most of the original post moot. I definitely felt like I couldn’t publish this post the way it was, because it would have given a wrong impression. So I started to rewrite the post and that took me another week :-) I’m not sure I have found a answer/solution to the various issues that were obviously bugging me, but at least I don’t feel like something is dragging me down so much anymore and that’s a start, right?
In an earlier post I mentioned the MBSR (Mindfulness based stress reduction) program I’m taking part in at the moment. We’re a small group of five people and our teacher. I like the course a lot because I’m definitely learning a lot and getting inspired to make some changes and now I just have to find a way to fit it into my daily routine. But I might be on the right track with this approach to deal with all my mostly self-induced stress. The “nothing’s right” feeling was definitely a major stress factor for me in the last few months. I also bought a few books to help me deal with some more of the stuff after the course is over in November.
At the last MBSR meeting we learned a new meditation, which probably was my most favourite so far. I really hope we’ll get the instructions on CD as well soon, because it’s always hard to to do it on your own the first few times. This new meditation was another form of the standard “body scan” practice of the MBSR program. The body scan is a practice of devoting moment to moment attention to your body just as it is.
In this new form we didn’t just paid attention to all parts of our body, but devoted this attention with gratitude and affection. Which might sound weird at first, but as someone living with MS I could totally relate to that. I’ve experienced first hand what it means if one of your limbs isn’t working the way it’s supposed to and I *am* grateful that my limbs and everything else of my body is working properly at the moment. I take it for granted sometimes, even though I know *I* shouldn’t. Practicing this body scan at the course meeting last Wednesday made me feel really good, because it gave me some needed perspective. Appreciation for the good things in my life.
Last Thursday I spent a few hours after work at the largest consumer fair for gaming . I had always wanted to check it out and this year I finally got around to visit, even though if just for two hours. I enjoyed it a lot, just to walk around and see all kinds of new and fun card and board games. I even bought two and hope I’ll get the chance to play them with some friends again.
I used to get together with a few friends of mine to play some games on a regular basis, but over the last few years we managed to that less and less, because our everyday lifes seem to get in the way. But every once in a while I miss these games nights and the visit to the fair made miss it even more. I might just have to find other gamers to play with. On the fair I learned about various clubs who organize open “Games night” for anyone who would like to join and I think I might just give that a try some day. It will put me way out of my comfort zone, because I’m usually not an outgoing, joining-a-group-in-which-I-know-nobody – kind of person. But there is a first time for everything, right?
Friday was a nice “Pizza and TV shows” night with my best friend and then there was the awesome Hall of Fame concert on TV on Saturday. The time at the office this week felt actually rather productive (which I haven’t experienced in my job in a while) and I got some nice feedback from coworkers/bosses. We’ve got a very nice late indian summer around here at the moment… Life is good! I’m already planning to do a few more fun things on the weekend. Now I just have to also get myself motivated to start studying for my Master again and life will be even better… :-)