Without further ado… Best of Twitter in May 2014:
Würde im Leben ja auch manchmal gern auf »Shuffle« drücken und gucken, was dann passiert.
— Sandra In The Sun (@Deichkind77) May 1, 2014
Es gibt heute erfolgreiche Comedians, auf denen hätte Heinz Erhardt früher nicht einmal seine Zigarette ausgedrückt.
— Grantscherm (@Grantscheam) May 2, 2014
How to improve your life by 96.4%: stop giving a DAMN about what people think.
— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) May 7, 2014
Dear @BuzzFeed, I like the color blue and my favorite utensil is the spork. Which celebrity should I make babies with?
— Anna Halligan (@AnnamalHalligan) May 7, 2014
Still struggling to get over an autocorrect grammar error in a tweet from last week.
— John Gallagher, Jr. (@JohnGallagherJr) May 9, 2014
Boyfriend to girlfriend in secondhand bookshop: “You’ve got enough books.” She could do better.
— Chris Power (@chris_power) May 11, 2014
A moment of silence for all of the fictional mothers that had to die in the name of tragic back story and character development.
— Professor Snape (@_Snape_) May 12, 2014
THE WRITER’S BRAIN: I’m a genius. I’m useless. I’m a genius. I’m useless. I’m a genius. I’m useless. Toast. I want toast.
— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) May 14, 2014
You know you’re getting old when you have house plants that are alive.
— Giles Paley-Phillips (@eliistender10) May 18, 2014
Quite a few of my facebook friends have admitted to being “board”, so at least they’re not too busy thumbing through dictionaries.
— Andy Pitz (@AndyPitz) May 20, 2014
How to stop time: kiss. How to travel in time: read. How to escape time: music. How to feel time: write. How to waste time: social media.
— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) May 20, 2014
Extra ins kurze Beinkleid geschmissen und dann ist es bedeckt. Ey, Wetter, du Lusche!
— Sandra (@Oceans77) May 21, 2014
Bye bye Miss American 3.1415926535897932384626433 (etc.)
— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) May 21, 2014
I’ve binged watched entire TV series in one sitting but can’t make it through any @YouTube video longer than 4 minutes.
— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) May 21, 2014
Though yes, I don’t think any word ever in any language has sounded as perfect as fuck. The soft start and the hard finish. Like life. Fuck.
— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) May 23, 2014
Führerscheinentzug, öffentliches Urinieren und Werfen mit Lebensmitteln. Die Nationalelf ist für jede drittklassige Kegeltour qualifiziert.
— schillaci (@papp__s) May 27, 2014
Just seen someone write “Febrewary”. End me.
— Caitlin McCann (@Tatty_Bojangles) May 29, 2014
Dear kids, I won’t steal your chocolate. But don’t leave your Smarties unattended. Love, Mom (Who is currently eating all your Smarties)
— Jenna Hatfield (@FireMom) May 29, 2014
WHAT IF I AM THE KELVIN FILTER OF HUMANS
— Anna Halligan (@AnnamalHalligan) May 29, 2014
#BeforeTwitter I occasionally used my brain for things other than political ranting and thinking up weak puns.
— Margo Milne (@MargoJMilne) May 30, 2014