17 hours later and I am still in some kind of dazed shock. It took me some time to get an idea why this terrorist attack feels like it’s hitting so much closer to home than the senseless killings on an Norwegian island in 2011. Closer to home than 7/7 in London in 2005. I don’t have any special ties to Paris, far from it. I’ve visited twice more than 15 years ago and I wasn’t even such a big fan. Among the European capitals London probably has always been my favourite and still I don’t remember being this shocked 10 years ago. Or maybe my brain has already blocked out the aftermath of the metro bombing? I don’t know…
Last night while I was glued to the TV screen and this morning after I woke up and realized last night hasn’t been just a bad dream, I was tweeting and retweeting a lot. I just felt the need to say something and to feel connected with other people and tweeting is obviously my means to do it these days. I tried to or at least will try even more from now on to not get sucked into any of the senseless loops of outrage about something someone uttered somewhere on social media about these events. I will try to not feed or even pay attention to the trolls or politicians or anyone who – on purpose, through ignorance or stupidity – are trying to use these horrifying events for their own political or whatever agenda.
I don’t want to discuss. I don’t want to argue. I don’t want to fight.
I want to cry. And I want to mourn.
I want to figure out how to react to the fact that these terrorists attacked at a rock concert!!! That’s really freaking me out so much and it makes these attacks hit much closer to home than other terrorist attacks in the past decade. Because I love going to concerts. I might not do it all that often anymore, besides travelling all over to see Frank Turner & The Sleeping Souls in the past two years. I know, I have written endlessly here about how much I love his music. How important his tunes and his lyrics are to me. How much I love their shows, because they are always so much fun and they let me forget about the annoyances of my ordinary life every once in a while.
I remember how excitedly I always look forward to a show and how many happy memories I have all of the Frank Turner shows I’ve been to. How much these happy memories of the shows or moments with Frank after a show help to cheer me up in darker times. How excitedly I’m always looking forward to the next gig.
And then I imagine my counterparts among the “Eagles of Death Metal” fans. The fans who were looking forward to their favourite band finally coming to Paris, so they could see them on stage. The fans who were having the best time singing and dancing until the horror started. Until they heard machine-gun fire behind them. Until they started to panic. Until they heard the screams of those wounded or dying. Until they were killed themselves or got wounded. Until they saw their friends dying. Until they tried to get the hell out of there and had to scramble over dead bodies or dying people to do so. And all just because they wanted to see a band they like play a concert. IT’S SUCH A NIGHTMARE.
“Oh, I can imagine” is a phrase often uttered to easily, but for me it’s so hard to really imagine what those people must have gone through and what they must have felt like and how they still must feel and probably feel for a long time.
It’s so devastating to think about what all those inside the Bataclan concert hall have lost last night. Some have lost their lives. Some probably have lost their health. All of them have lost some of their innocence. They might have nightmares and PTSD and I don’t think anyone who was there will ever forget the horrors of that night. There are no happy concert memories to lift them up in darker times. Just the opposite. And thus these events might also have ruined their favourite music for them too.
I don’t care if this sounds shallow or weird now. But for someone like me – who often uses music and concert memories to feel better and to cheer me up in sad times – the fact, that among all the physical and mental trauma these people have suffered, they might have also “lost their music”, just breaks my heart.