It’s been almost three weeks since I last wrote a post here. I guess that delay is once again brought on by the ingrained procrastinator’s fear, that noone will be interested in what I have to say or that I can’t express my thoughts in a way that it will make sense for anyone. And I didn’t feel like just writing a miscellaneous posts about random stuff like all the (mostly lovely) chick-lit books I read these past few weeks.
Three weeks ago, at the start of Lent, I wrote that I wanted to give up
“being be so grumpy and pessimistic and anxious.”
I’m not sure how well I’ve done with this so far. I still have a sometimes too pessimistic look on life, I know. But at least I catch myself quicker than before, when I’m thinking the wrong kind of thoughts. Maybe I already did that before that Lent resolution? I don’t know. I’m definitely a bit more patient with myself and others. Maybe my (mostly) regular meditation practice does have an effect on my peace of mind already?
But back to “grumpy, pessimistic, anxious me”. A good example of how I sometimes tend to sabotage myself with pessimistic thoughts happened earlier this week with the annual performance review at work. I knew I had been slacking a bit last year. At least in my own eyes it felt like I had been slacking. I know I could have done better in some regards. I also thought I should have done better. Thus I was dreading the performance review and was beating myself up in advance about not having done my best work last year. And I fully expected to hear about it from my boss.
After a bit of small talk he asked for my own appraisal of the last year’s work. While I didn’t go as far as outright telling him “I think I sucked” ;-), I started with the few projects I think could have gone better and which left me a bit frustrated and dissatisfied with (my) work. Not the smoothest way to start a talk about your own performance, I know. Like I said: self-sabotage. This took my boss by surprise, because he had a rather different appraisal of the year and of my work during it. A much much more positive and appreciative and laudatory review of my work. Which in return caught me by suprise.
I hate that I always tend to not see myself in a good light. And I’m glad that my boss is such a fair and kind and lovely boss who is able to actually notice and values me and my work. Of course he had a few (minor) things to criticise or to remark upon where I could improve. Like work a bit more independently and not wait for another co-worker to “hold my hand” during a few projects and tasks. But he still thinks I’m doing a good job all in all.
Isn’t it sad that this kind of baffled me? Rethorical question, obviously. Don’t answer it *g* But seriously, it was such a weird feeling to leave his office after 2.5 hours, feeling good and elated after a talk I had been dreading, at least subconsciously, for a while.
Now I just have to use this positive feedback to be more self-assured and independent and to slack a bit less ;-) To start believing that I’m really a good fit for that position. To believe it myself and to own it. To act more self-assured towards other people I work with. Because to be honest, I still sometimes feel like “I fake it, till I make it”. But maybe I’ve already made it…. ?
[I have much more thoughts to share about the whole “Attitude towards myself and towards others” topic, but the next post will still need a bit of work. And time to write, which I don’t have for the next few days, I’m afraid]