Since a few days I feel at odds with myself. I can’t really explain why. Which probably adds to the odd feeling. It’s not that my life sucks more right now than at any other time. It’s busy, but not to an extend that I’d feel really stressed about it. Not on any psychological level anyway. I’m just kind of discontent with myself at the moment. Or with some things about me and my life. I wouldn’t go as far to call it being “unhappy”, because I’m not un-happy. I’m just not really, really happy either. I’m just… feeling odd.
There are too many things on my mind, keeping me busy thinking about them. In both of my jobs I feel not challenged enough and too challenged at the same time. In the local politics / town council part of my life I feel way too challenged most of the times recently. I know I should do more for my postgraduate studies, but I’m stuck once again on just one stupid part of one term paper. I could continue working on the other parts of that assingment or the other term papers but I just can’t get myself to do it. Add agonzing over some rather insignifcant details or encounters in my life and there it it: The feeling that some things are just not right.
I don’t know if I need a real change of some sort or if I just need to rethink my point of view. Of me and my life and everything around. If I’m honest I know that self-evaluation is the thing I need to work on. I really thought I was over the whole low self-esteem problem but right now that might be the root of some of the heavy discontent which I experience way too often recently.
As a first step to re-adjust my selfperception I decided to dig out some self affirmations (or whatever I should call it in English) which I copied from a psychological self-help book years ago, when my self-esteem once hit rock bottom. It’s weird to read these words now after so many years. Because I partly feel so much better than I did back then. But partly I still have to struggle with the same old stuff. Like worrying too much about what happened in the (recent) past and why and if I could / should have acted differently. Stuff like assuming that other people generally do not think much of me. It’s not as bad as it was back then, but I haven’t really overcome these self-doubt. And that’s so frustrating. Putting it all down here and sharing these thoughts feels sort of comforting. I guess that’s a start. Cheers to the (sort of) anonymity of the internet :-)