I really don’t like myself much at the moment. Why? Because I’m lazy and unfocused and I avoid and put things off and procrastinate like a pro. At the moment it really seems like I could win gold medals if there was such a thing as the Worldchampionship of Procrastination. I feel like postponing and avoiding things is all I do. And I still haven’t figured out why. I always used to be a bit like that, especially with stuff or tasks I dreaded, but sooner or later I got over it and just dealt with whatever it was I postponed for a while. But this time, I feel like I don’t even do that, but let it all gather and pile up and bury me. Ok, the last might be exaggerating, but I really have no idea how to get out of this weird state of mind.
I spend much too much time thinking about anytime, anywhere or anyplace but the “right here right now”. If I don’t think about that, I watch TV shows or at the moment am completely hooked on the Wilderness novel series. I feel like I completely lack any self-control, because I know I should for example read textbooks for the grad school class I’m enrolled in at the moment instead of spending all my time reading about the Bonner family. I know that and I know that I should and could put the novel away and actually be productive in some way. I just don’t want to. Which might contradict the “could do it” part, I know.
I also know that maybe I should try to figure out why I don’t want to deal with the “right here right now” at the moment, but I admit that I might be afraid of what I discover in the process :-) I actually know quite well what bothers me in the various parts of my life. The funny thing is, my shoddy state of health is not among the things that bother me much. I guess I made my peace with it and deal the best I can.
I’m dissatisfied with my work situation. Not really unhappy, but not too happy either. I’m annoyed with some of the stuff among my local Greens. I’m sad that I’m a bit out of touch with some old friends, because we used to have so much in common back then. But whenever we run into each other again now I realize we lost touch for a reason, because we really don’t seem have that much in common anymore. Or because we chose very different paths for our lives. I’m not one who makes (new) friends easily, so I guess I just miss that I don’t have more people to hang out with…
I’m a bit overwhelmed by grad school stuff as well. I’m once again flunking one class/assignment, but I can justify that with all the health crap I had to deal with this year so far. I have to repeat this assigment and pass another class (incl. assignment), write a term paper and the master thesis until I’m done. Finding a topic for both these papers is what seemed like a huge obstacle to me for a long time. But after I started working on this blog post a few days ago, I had an idea for the termpaper at least and whether I can actually use that idea or not, just the fact that I had the idea in the first place felt like a huge load of my back.
In fact there were a few things and decisions after I started working on this blog post, that felt like steps in the right direction. Maybe putting some of what’s on my mind into words and writing it down already helped and gave me the little push I needed. I might still be spending too much time anywhere but in the “right here right now”, but I think I’m getting there.
I will take two weeks off from work at the end of September and will spend a few days of those two weeks on my favourite island Norderney (in the North Sea). I confirmed all the bookings yesterday and am already very much looking forward to these five days. There is nothing more relaxing than being at the beach, staring at the ocean and listening to the waves rolling in.
I’m also determined to take part in an 8 weeks course of “Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction” (MBSR), which might be just what I need, as I have explained in detail at the beginning of this post :-) I read about the MBSR concept a while ago in a health newsletter and I bought a book about it and I think it really might help me a lot. Because I know I get stressed too much about things that happened or things I think might happen and I know I get stressed too much because my self-perception is screwed up and so is my perception of how others see me and what others think of me. I know all this but it’s difficult to change it all by myself. So I really hope this MBSR course will help. It can’t hurt at least :)
And who knows, maybe that all will get me back on track with blogging a bit more, because I would actually love to do that…