For the last few weeks I was in – what I now like to call – “Meredith Grey pre-bomb mood”.
“I just need something to happen. I need a sign, that things are going to change. I need a reason to go on. I need some hope. And in the abscene of hope I need to stay in bed and feel like I might die today.”
At least I don’t have the whole “the man I love has wife and that wife took my dog” issue going on, but I still was and to some degree still am in a weird funk. I am feeling overwhelmed by a few things. Things that actually aren’t that overwhelming or at least they shouldn’t be. On the one hand there is a lot going on at work and on the other hand there really isn’t. I’m still frustrated by my coworker (and sometimes also my bosses and other persons I have to deal with). I think the mere act of applying for job someplace else made me so much more aware of how unsatisfied I am in my current job. I really have to get out of that some time soon. But then the whole cycle of negative thinking starts dragging me down: Will I ever find a better job? Am I actually good enough for any other job? Why should anybody else hire *me*? That stupid kind of stuff.
There also is a lot of work to do for the Green Party campaign for the state election and it wearing me down. Sometimes my fellow Greens are getting on my nerves so much and I don’t know if I’m just overly sensitive or if those folks sometimes really are so annoying ;-)
I really have to learn to not care so much anymore. I also have to learn to not be in such a bad mood so often or so easily. At least I feel like I’m easily irritated and that alone makes me mad, because I don’t want to be easily irritated. I guess I should spend more time again with my meditation practice. Which leads me to the whole set of Promises I made to myself at the end of last year and over the last two months I in some ways failed dismally to keep them. I was so busy or even stressed in March and then I also were sick (nothing serious, just a bad cold) a few times, but I spend most of the time when I wasn’t at work or did stuff that needed to be done vegetating on my couch.
I lost track of how much of my Promises I had actually kept in March/April and how much I didn’t live up to. I couldn’t even bring myself to at least follow through with the consequences. Which in turn also made me angry at myself and put me into a bad mood. It’s really difficult to explain. Maybe it’s my bout of spring melancholia ;-)? I’m determined to start over again on the whole Promises thing in May and maybe I’ll be more successful then.
The weather in this part of the world is pretty depressing as well. No wonder I’m in a weird mood. To me April 2012 seems to be the most april-esk April in recent history. Seriously, what’s up with all the rain? And then it clears up for about an hour and the sun is shining and after a few minutes the downpour starts again! I always thought the fall is supposed to be the most depressing season, but this year April definitely makes it to the top of the list in my eyes. I can’t wait for this weather to be over.
There are few things on the upside of all this depressing talk. I only have three more days to work (Wednesday, Thursday of this week + Mondy of the next) before I’m off work for almost two weeks. 7 days of these two weeks I will spend in Stockholm, Sweden to cheer for Team Germany at the Icehockey Worldchampionship. And I can’t wait for this trip to begin. First of all, because I know it’s going to be a lot of fun, just like the last few times I went on a hockey trip with these hockey friends (Vienna 2005, Halifax 2008, Bratislava 2011). And because it’s Stockholm, which right beside London is my favourite European capital.
I went to see a really cool concert last night (Livingston at the Luxor club in Cologne) and had so much fun and it really helped to cheer me up. Whenever I turned on my iPod today I only listened to their new album and it always puts a big grin on my face, which is a big improvement over my mood in the last few weeks.
And of course the many lovely Happy Birthday messages that reached me through all kinds of communication channels helped to cheer me up as well ;-)