Things didn’t kill me but I don’t feel stronger
Life is short but it feels much longer
When you’ve lost that fight, you’ve lost that hunger
To pull yourself through the day.
(If Ever I Stray ~ Frank Turner, 2011)
My alarm is the clock radio on my bedside table and this morning, the voice I woke up to, announced that Robin Williams has passed away in what was suspected to be suicide. Not the way you want to start a day :-( This sad news stayed with me all day. I admit, I wouldn’t call myself a Robin Williams fan, in the true sense of the word. But I liked the movies I watched him in and I absolutely acknowledge his talent and capacity as actor and comedian. He was one of the good ones and for my generation he was one of the outstanding movie actors, I think. (“Oh Captain, My Captain”…)
Still, what left such impact on me was, that he is another one of these tragic losses to depression / mental health issues. That he didn’t see any other way out than to take his own life. Which is just so terribly sad.
I’ve been sort of fighting my own demons recently, nothing compared to real depression or other mental health issues. Just the usual low self-esteem, insecurities, self-doubt and such, which every once in a while drag me down into some state of paralysis. Not literally, of course, but the “I have no idea what I should do or what I could do or how I should/could do it and thus I won’t do anything at all” kind. Maybe this current state of mind is what made me feel like Robin Williams’ death hit a bit closer to home than others?
If this sad news taught me one thing today, it’s, that my life isn’t all that bad, when I really think about it. I’ve got so many good things and people in my life and I should try harder to appreciate them and to cherish them and to not let a nagging voice in the back of my mind drag me down. I should try harder to “just live” and to celebrate this life that has been given to me.
What usually helps to remind me of this fact is listening to some of my favourite music. Music which usually makes me feel more alive. Which makes me feel understood in a strange way. Because if someone – ok, let’s be honest, it’s been Frank Turner mostly this past year – can write words which strike a chord deep within me and which I can very much relate to, I can’t be the only person to feel slightly lost sometimes. Right?
Sometimes it’s hard to remember:
I couldn’t do this on my own
[….]
Some days it’s hard for me to follow,
But if you’ve got my back I’ll go on.
(If Ever I Stray ~ Frank Turner, 2011)