Three days not sleeping, not eating, not feeling good anymore,
Drenched in sweat and self-pity now, and it’s not a pretty sight.
What to say in my defense? I was imperfect, tense.
I used to have such balance, but I don’t know where it went.
(Imperfect Tense ~ Frank Turner, 2008)
Cheers to Frank Turner for always providing me with a perfect quote for my state of mind, even though he wrote those words in a somewhat different situation… ;-)
For the last few days I had planned to write about the current MS attack and how I feel about it. It was supposed to be a rather balanced post with a totally different lyrical quote (still from Frank though *g*) , because I usually don’t get too upset about my health. It is what it is, and I can’t really change that and for some strange reason (which I had planned to go into in this yet unwritten post) I have accepted the fact that MS will always be a part of my life. And I’m usually ok with it.
Today though… I’m not ok. I’m feeling like crap. And even though I don’t want that to influence the way I generally feel and think about this disesase and the fact that I’ve got it, it’s hard. Sometimes. To accept the fact that sometimes it’s all just utter crap! And that there is nothing I can really do about it. Except… accepting it. Curling up on the sofa and feel sorry for myself. To not worry about what others might think of me if I do. To not worry about others at all. Even or especially if they are all lovely and nice and caring.
I thought I was ready to return to work again today, but I wasn’t. Not really, I mean not physically and maybe not even emotionally. It’s been the first MS attack since 2011, the first in this job and work environment. They mostly all knew about my MS, but they have never experienced me having an attack and how much those knock me out. I myself had obviously blocked out some of the crap that comes along with it. I don’t know…
I felt bad all day. Exhausted. Achey. Befuddled. Not fit for work at all. And I didn’t really do any productive work all day. Ugh! I guess I will spend the rest of the day curled up on my sofa, feeling utterly sorry for myself now and I’m not making any apologies for that.