The title of this post seems like a pretty accurate description of my mind these past few weeks, because it has been and still is all over the place. I feel overwhelmed at work a lot at the moment, even though I’m not really. Yes, it’s busy and there are various projects going on – too many probably – and there were some organisational changes, but it’s not too much. On paper anyway. But in some ways it feels like it to me. I spare you all my worrying thoughts about what I didn’t do quite right and how I could have done this or that in a more productive way.
I’m floundering at work at the moment and that makes me feel too anxious. My apartment is a mess, there are stacks of laundry that needs ironing or being put away. There are still million (or so it seems) things to organize before I leave for Scotland in a week. Which all in all adds to the OMG IT’S ALL TOO MUCH! feeling which leaves me anxious and jittery and exhausted a lot of the time these days. Add the general depressing state of global politics and the many catastrophes all over the world, which even though they may not directly affect me, still affects me on an emotional level and it all leads to much mindnumbing activities like watching too much DVDs or Netflix and eating too much chocolate and then feeling even less unproductive than before.
This is all probably a sign for a few things:
#1 I’m in dire need of a vacation! To see something different. To do something different. And most of all to just… be!
#2 I need to learn to stop worrying so much. I don’t have to be perfect. But it’s hard to give up that notion up, especially as I feel overwhelmingly inadequate a lot of time these days. I have no idea what ideal version of myself I’m chasing after at the moment though.
Maybe I’ll manage to combine #1 and #2 during my time off in bonny Scotland. The first step should be to not fret too much about having everything properly prepared for the trip. Because I know I’ve got all the basics covered already (reservations and such) or still have enough time next week to organize / plan a bit more detailed. It’s no big deal if I only fine tune some of the plans when I’m there.
But also #3: I’m not getting enough sleep! At least not for this anxious state of mind I seem to be in at the moment. Thus I’m off to bed now.
(#4: I need to stop feeling guilty for still not having written my post about the Frank Turner show three weeks ago. Yes, I wrote a review of all the other shows, but that doesn’t mean I need to write this any time soon. Or at all to be honest. Ok, I probably will write it at some point… )