It’s easy enough to talk about Blitz spirit
When you’re not holding the roof up and knee deep in it.
The pictures and the papers got ruined by the rain,
And we wondered if they’d ever get dry again.
(The Next Storm ~ Frank Turner, 2015)
Today must have been one of my least productive days at the office. I just couldn’t really focus on work stuff as I subconsciously – or often pretty consciously to be honest – tried to work through all the emotional repercussion of my decision to cancel my trip to the UK to see Frank Turner play some gigs this weekend.
I was so very much looking forward to this trip. A nice break with good friends and more important with live music from my favourite singer/songwriter. My happy place. Gigs in small settings with a good chance to catch him for a chat afterwards. I started reconsidering my plan a few days ago, when the Corona virus hit mainland Europe. Basically because I’ve always known with my MS (Multiple Sclerosis) and the immunosuppression I belong to the risk group. I’m also in close contact with my elderly mom who has her own set of severe health issues and thus deserves protection from new viruses and all that. But for a long while I wanted to believe, that if I’m careful and follow all the guidelines (wash hands, keep distance from sick people), the risk would be slim and I could risk it. What a reckless thing for me in my situation to think in hindsight.
Germany authorities started advising a ban on events with more than 1.000 people and advised to avoid unnecessary travel on Tuesday. And still on yesterday morning I was trying to brush off the risk of train travel and of being in a gathering of over 1.000 people for over 3 hours. Because…. my happy place and all that. Only later last evening, after I’ve read some more of the current news and statements from health professionals, it dawned on me that cancelling the trip would be the sensible and reasonable thing to do. As much as I would love to be there and jokingly probably also could say I need to be there when Frank is doing a rare solo tour. I don’t really. Every reasonable argument is against it.
But then the tears set in and it was rather disconcerting at first to be honest, as I thought “It’s just a gig, there will be more in the future! Get a grip!” Until I realized those tears were – and still are whenever I think about it for more than a half a minute – only 30% sad and silent “I’m sorry to miss the gig” tears. And 70% hot and angry and frustrated “I HATE that I’ve got MS, it’s so unfair” tears. As the vast absence of the topic MS on this blogs so clearly shows: Having this disease usually doesn’t affect me at all. Except for the check up every few months, getting a prescription every 4 weeks and taking a pill each morning. I’m doing fine and I’m feeling fine and it’s so easy to just not think about it. I don’t want to say I ignore it, because there is nothing to ignore. It really isn’t an issue. Until it becomes one like right now. And then it obviously escalates into frustrated and angry and visceral territory quickly. I couldn’t stop the tears welling up even if I tried.
I guess it’s a good thing that I’ve soon got a free three day weekend ahead, during which I can try and work through this complicated knot of emotions… :-/