17.04.2020 | Midday Ramblings…

Lately, I’ve been feeling kind of fragile.
Lately, I’ve been feeling all worn out.

(Faithful Son ~ Frank Turner, 2009)

It seems to get harder and harder for me to find some kind of middle ground in all this emotional turmoil we find ourselves in. This week of ‘vacation’ is over and I don’t feel all that well rested. Stupid demolition going on next door. I neither feel like I have accomplished anything. Which is such a destructive and unkind perspective to have in these times, I know. Because… what other than “not going insane” or “not drowning in desperation” do we really have to accomplish? If I manage to keep my head above the water, that’s fine, right? But deep down I feel like it isn’t and I don’t like that. And then I don’t like myself for not liking that. But hey, at least I deleted “I hate that” and changed it to “not liking”. That’s gotta say something.

I don’t know. Maybe it’s good that I’m ‘back at work’ next week, because that will provide me with a bit more structure and purpose. I obviously am not good and finding that on my own. Yesterday was another weird and slightly dark day. I didn’t sleep well, woke up at 4 and started to get anxious about all the possible ways I could get infected and/or pass it own to my mum, even though we are really careful and keep our distance except for the time she needs help with something physical. And even then we’re careful. But my mind was anxiously worrying anyway. I didn’t fall back asleep and a lack of sleep always makes me grumpy. I spent 45 or so minutes on Instagram sorting / unfollowing and muting (which is just a cowardly unfollow in a way) and spent much too much time on my phone all day. But that’s just what it is sometimes. Two steps forward one step back. I gave into my grumpiness and spend the day being rather sluggish, trying to nap at lunchtime when the work next door stopped for an hour. I did move the couch from the wall to clean under and behind it. See, I did accomplish something.

I’m still a bit sluggish this morning today even though I slept better and started the day lazy. Still in just underwear and dressing gown as I want to go for the next walk/run on my schedule and couldn’t be bothered to put on ‘real’ clothes before I put on my workout clothes. I’m still determined to do that at some point today :-).

I’ve (finally) reached the stage where days seem to bleed into each other. Is it Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday…? Who cares? It’s a bit disconcerting.

This also threw me off yesterday. I totally missed that we had to put out our recyclables, plastic kind of garbage. The collection moved up a day, because of the public holiday here on Monday. And I knew that and still managed to mess it up, so now I’ve got a bag full of plastic garbage sitting in my basement storage room for the next two weeks *headdesk*.

A few good things happened yesterday though. Frank Turner announced that he’ll release a live album of the “No Man’s Land” Tour next Friday (24th April). That announcement came less than an hour after I joked about how I would love to see him release a live album of the “No Man’s Land” Tour on my birthday, next Friday (24th April). It all was quite hilarious and made me grin – in all my state of grumpy sluggishness – all day. Frank also played another lovely gig last night and gave my friend Amanda the belated birthday shoutout I asked him to. He’s just the best! Tonight there will be a Felix Hagan Disney Set and that’s going to be… interesting. I don’t think I know all that many Disney songs to be honest. But I love Felix, so that’s going to be ace regardless.

Ugh, I wanted to have finished this post some time ago (still sitting here on my couch, half dressed, being distracted by the internet. Such a lack of self control). I refrain from commenting much more on what Sam Heughan had posted on his social media a few hours ago. I have no idea how and why those haters and bullies and absolutely nutjobs just can’t stop harassing him. I’m just so sorry for him, because from what I gathered (social media, but also his charitable work and having experienced him at the My Peak Challenge events these past two years), he’s such a lovely, down-to-earth, friendly, kind human being. So what the fuck has he ever done to you to harass him like that? People suck!

And on that note *g*, I’m off for a bit.

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