"Happiness Is Here With Me…" (Again… Finally)

Is it just me or are there actually not enough hours in the day these days? Maybe I’m just awfully bad organized. Or maybe I’ve just got too many things on my mind and in my life. And it can’t be that bad, when I find the time to squeeze in one or two episodes of “The West Wing” almost every night for the last few days. Josh and the guys throwing snowballs at Donna’s window? *squee* So wonderful. I’ve finished the 4th DVD of season 4 yesterday and maybe will start with the 5th. Or maybe not, because by the time I’ve finished this post and caught up with some blogs and stuff it will already be time to go to bed.

What has been keeping me busy and my mind occupied? Not so many fun things, I’m afraid. There is work. Not the amount of work itself, but the vast variety of different things to do and plan and there are days I’m afraid I’m juggleing with too many balls. Then there is the political stuff with council and other meetings. And there was this other huge unsolved issue among my local Greens, which had crushed my motivation to do any kind of campaigning for the elections or even continue to work on the electorial programme. I was so frustrated and felt so at loss and was so pissed at some of my fellow Greens, because they obviously didn’t see the gravity of the situation. But that issue was finally solved earlier this week, thank God. So on Friday I hope to find the time and motivation again to work on the programme and some other Greens stuff.

My mind was so occupied with this Green issue, that I didn’t even spend more than a couple of minutes thinking about the school assignment I have to repeat. At least I got another book from the libary today. But I really have to get back to working on that. Now that I don’t have to ponder on how to keep our local Green party from imploding. Or to ponder what I would do if it actually happened. Ponder why I should or if I would care.
I have to admit, my issues with this imminent implosion were less concerns about the Green issues itself, but more about how others would judge me for not being able to prevent it. I would have found other ways to support all the political and social issues I think are important. But over the last few years I became “the face” of the Green party in our small town, wether I like it or not. And my biggest worry or fear in all this was what “the others” (politicians, the press and just about everybody) would think of me, if the worst case scenario would happen. It took me a while – more than a week actually – to realize that a) whatever would happen wasn’t my fault, because I did all I could to prevent it and b) I shouldn’t even care about what “the others” would think of me. They don’t know me. They don’t have to know me. I don’t need them to know me. Or to even like me. Or to think whatever they want of me.
Isn’t it sad that even at the age of 34 I still worry so much about what others might think of me? And that it took me more than a week of racking my mind and a lot of anxiety to come to the conclusion that I shouldn’t worry about that at all. And to come to the decision that I don’t want to care about it anymore. Or at least try to care much less :-)

I actually didn’t wanted to write a long post about that, because I wasn’t sure if I could find the right words to explain what petrified me – or at least my mind – over the last few days/weeks. But once I started writing these words just poured out of me :-) Now that the formerly unsolved issues is solved I can let my mind wander again. And to blog about random and insignificant stories of my life again. There is still another post stuck in my head, which I still have to wrap my mind around, before I can write about it. Or maybe I should just start writing it and see where it takes me. Like it happened with this post.

I actually wanted to write about a few other minor things, which by now decided to hide in the back of my mind, so that I can’t, because I have actually no idea what these things were. So I leave you with a pic of my latest trollbeads charm for my bracelet. I don’t know how much money I spend on these in the last few months. But with all the rather negative thoughts on my mind I knew I had to do something to recharge my positive energy and placed an order for an engraved scroll with the following text from the Sunrise Avenue song “Choose To Be Me” (scroll text is limited to 9×13 characters): “Choose to be me, to be free, to be my way – Happiness is here with me” I makes me strangely happy to just look at it on my wrist. And that basically was the whole point of spending money on having a scroll engraved :-) Tonight I’m also happy about my tax refund, which I got today. Well, not the money, but the notice. It’s less refund than in the last few years, but I actually thought I would have to repay more than I already payed over the year. I even saved up some money because I was sure I would have to repay some. And now I’ve got the refund plus the savings. Yay!

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