"I believe we survive…"

I sometimes wonder, how all those years ago after I first got the diagnosis MS, I had not slipped into a depression or started to worry about my future more than ordinarly necessary. Because I usually am the person to worry a lot. It comes with the whole low self-esteem issue and all that crap. Back then that was even worse than it is nowadays. Today I sometimes still expect things to turn out bad for me and question my self and how others perceive me. Not as much as I did ten years ago, but it still happens.

Anyway, I never had these serious, deep dark doubts and fears regarding my MS, which still baffles me. I worried and of course still worry, especially with the recent development, but I never ever believed that I would not “survive” it somehow. Yes, I had sleepless nights and worried and was feeling down a lot earlier this year, but never to that extent, that I was “giving up” in anyway. It baffles me, but in a really good way.

I’ve just finished re-watching episode 3.16 of Grey’s Anatomy and could really relate to something Izzie said in the end. I could relate to it even back then, but I seem to have forgotten about it. Like I have forgotten about a lot of things Izzie said and did, that I actually like, because the writers decided to ruin her character later on. Anyway…

I believe in the good. I believe that it’s been a hell of a year. And I believe in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary we will all be okay. […] I believe we survive. I believe, that believing we survive is what makes us survive.

It really hit home this time, especially after what I’ve gone through the past few months. And it’s weird that I’ve watched this today, because it’s my birthday today and just like New Year’s Eve birthdays are the days where I’m looking back on the last 12 months and out to the next 12 months and I felt especially touched by this today.

And now I already start to worry again if anyone might think that announcing that it’s my birthday today makes me look desperately fishing for birthday wishes or sometimes. Which I’m not. But I had to mention it, because it the reason why Izzie’s words resonated so strongly with me today, that I felt the need to write a post about it…

Now I’m off to continue watching the ferrycrash-arc before I’ll head over to my mom’s for cake and coffee and sitting on the patio and just enjoying a day in the sun…

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2 Responses to "I believe we survive…"

  1. ana says:

    Happy Birthday! I think you are completely right, and I also like Izzie’s words: it makes a lot of sense. Like you, I tend to have low steem and I also question myself a lot, and but I fight always with myself because the only way to be happy in general and with onself in particular is to have good thoughts and good feelings. (I’m sorry for my English, I wish I could express this with better words, but I hope I made myself clear). I admire your strenght, and your words are just so inspiring. I just want to wish you the very best of day and a great new year of your life.

  2. liljan98 says:

    Thanks for the birthday wishes. Don’t worry about your English, I absolutely understood what you were saying and I agree 100%. We have to have good thoughts and be hopeful and optimistic instead of being pessimistic and worrying too much. It’s not always easy, but I am trying to live like that at least.

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