Uneasy Days (For No Reasons…)

Yes, it’s been a while. I can’t even say I have been too busy to blog or that I haven’t had anything to tell. It was just that the thoughts were still swirling in my mind and I had a hard time to sort through them. Good thoughts mostly, because I got the job (!!!), but still… a lot to sort through. I spent hours and hours trying to figure out what kind of car I want to buy or would be able to buy and I was going back and forth. Still haven’t made up my mind at all and at the moment I’m actually trying to not think about all of that too much because it’s driving me crazy.
I was told that it could last 2-3 weeks till I will be officially sent my contract or anything else in written form to confirm that they will hire me, but of course I was waiting for any kind of notification after the first week had passed. I called them today and was told that it will still take a while *sigh* The reason I did call them in the first place was that during my regular checkup my neurologist unsettled me when he asked if I was sure that I would be allowed to leave early/come in late for the regular and necessary doctor’s visits (bloodwork and IV) every four weeks. I actually was pretty sure that this wouldn’t be a problem, because it’s a job in public administration and those employers are sort of obliged to accomodate the needs of employees like me (with a certified disability). That was one of the reasons I only applied for this job and not for one at a company or any other job in the private sector.
But of course my doc’s worries stayed with me over the weekend and even got a bit worse when I wasn’t able to get hold of one of the new bosses on Monday or Tuesday to inform them in advance about my state of health (not in detail of course, just that I need to see the doctor every 4 weeks). For a few moments every day of the last few days my mind went to all the usual dark places, like “this will change their mind, they will not hire me after all, I will have to explain to all my friends and family that it didn’t work out in the end…” Stupid thougths and fears and worries, I know, but what can I say. I’m just wired that way. But at least I didn’t think those negative thougths most of the time, but instead was mostly able to calm my worried mind down by reminding me that they *did* choose me for this job in the first place. And that I had a good feeling about the interview and the following phone call from the guy in charge. And that, if they would really object to me getting time off for IVs and such, it wouldn’t have been the right job after all.

To make a long story short: Today I finally managed to get hold of one of my future bosses on the phone and explained the situation and he said, that getting time off for the IVs and such wouldn’t be a problem at all. And he was very convincing so I did believe him ;-) He also inquired at the HR department how long it will take till they’ve got any official confirmation ready that they will hire me. Like mentioned above that obviously will take a few more days. But the boss assured me once again that it’s all just a formality and that they had decided to hire me, because they were convinced after the interview that I was the right person for the job… All the nice things my ego loved to hear, especially after it was worried for a bit.

Now my mind can concentrate on worrying about the whole procedures involved with ending the two jobs I currently have :-). I informed my current bosses of my decision and they agreed to let me go even before my contract was officially up, but as long as I don’t have anything official (in writing) from the new job I don’t want to officially give notice at the old job. But of course that prolongs the whole process of finding a replacement for my position, because none of us (neither my current bosses nor me) want to make it public that I want to leave, because if – for any whatever improbable reason at all – I won’t be starting at the new job after all, it would be awkward and embarrasing to have told everyone that I would leave and then stay on the old job. If that makes any sense.
But the more I think about the new job and the huge changes it will bring, the more I realize how unhappy I was in the current one in the last 1-2 years. I notice so many things that annoy me or that I dread doing or feel uncomfortable about and in that regard I can’t wait to leave. I’m a bit shocked by this revelation, because it wasn’t all bad in the old job. Just unsatisfying after all these years. And I think the things that bothered me got worse in the last few years, so it’s no wonder I also got unhappier.

I wouldn’t be me, if I didn’t also start worrying about the new job and if I’m really up to it and if I can really do all the things that are expected from me or if after a few weeks it will turn out that I’m a total fraud. I know I’m not, but the thoughts sometimes lingers in the back of my mind anyway. I will try to recall the two nice phone conversations with the two new bosses in the last two weeks and how convinced they seemed that I was the right one for this job. I should just trust their judgement ;-)