15.05.2019 – “Rejoice, Rebuild…”

A few days ago I wrote here that I don’t really believe in “signs”. And I still stand by that. In a way ;-). Around noon today I was back in Arbroath to just spend some time sitting at the beach, watching the waves, enjoying the sun. Pondering some of the things I wrote yesterday and thinking about the sometimes overwhelming negative voices in my head and what I can do to turn down their volume or shut them up completely. Thinking about stuff I read in Bryony Gordon’s “You Got This”. Realizing that all of this – the time off here on vacation, the physical challenges I’ve accomplished, the tiny things I feel I have learned about myself – are small steps in the right direction.

While pondering all of that, I put on my earbuds and turned on my iPod. Which these days is mostly switched to my “all of Frank Turner on shuffle” playlist. The song that started playing was “The Next Storm” and like I said: I don’t really believe in ‘signs’. And Frank has written a lot of lyrics I could and can relate to, so anytime I switch on any of his music there is a good chance the words mean something to me. But realizing how much these words from “The Next Storm” fit my current state of mind was… interesting. Because while I always liked the song and could always relate to the sentiment as in “Yeah, I know that feeling, I’ve been there” kind of way and while I loved singing and jumping along to it at every gig, I can’t recall any time when I could relate to this song on an almost visceral level. Until today. Which is so weird, but in a totally good way if that makes any sense.

We had a difficult winter,
We had a rough few months,

No kidding. Even if some of it might have just been in my head, I was worrying (about work mostly) much more than was good for me.

And when the storms came in off the coast
It felt like they broke
Everything on us at once.

Too much going on. At work. With my family. Global and local politics. At least – again – it felt like too much and overwhelming.

But I don’t want to spend the whole of my life indoors,
Laying low and waiting on the next storm.
I don’t want to spend the whole of my life inside;
I want to step outside and face the sunshine.

Yep! Because worrying and constantly second-guessing myself and being afraid of having made a mess of things and …. did I mention the worrying … is exhausting! Not to mention limiting.

We just ended up clutching at the empty rituals
Like gamblers clutching long odds.

So true! There has been way too much mindless and mindnumbing distraction and procrastination (Hello Comfort Binge Watching of the Gilmore Girls). Empty rituals indeed.

So open the shutters, raise up the mast,
Rejoice, rebuild, the storm has passed.

Like I said above, at the moment I feel like I’m better state of mind. More relaxed. Less worried. And I really hope I’ll manage to bring that back home with me. Especially to a week at work that will start off busy for me. But…

I’m not going to live the whole of my life indoors.
I’m going to step out and face the next storm.

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