29.03.2020 | Still Trying To Get My Head Around It All…

Well if you find that your soul is starting to decay
Submerged in sorrow and drenched in every kind of grey

(Be A Freak ~ Felix Hagan & The Family, 2017)

That’s a bleak lyrical quote and I promise it might get a bit more uplifting (from the same song) at the end of this but still… that’s a somewhat fitting description of my state of mind and being at the moment. On the one hand I try very hard to not let all of this – as in the whole pandemic and what it will mean for all of us – drag me down too much. But then on the other hand all of this just makes me worry and paralyzed and I have a hard time to do anything useful with my time. Time aplenty here at home. Chores aplenty too, but I just can’t seem to use the one for the other. I can’t help it.

I don’t sleep well. I don’t have the energy to do some of the many workouts provided for free from My Peak Challenge at the moment or some of the ones that came with the membership. These days I feel like I need all of my energy to deal with the worry and underlying anxiety and the ‘not knowing’.  With getting an idea how horrible it could become re: our health system and how many people might be affected in any way. How horrible it already might be for dysfunctional families. How many women and children might not make it safely through this, because they’re stuck at home with an abusive man or with neglectful and overwhelmed parents in a tiny flat 24/7. The homeless people. The old people in nursing homes without anyone being allowed in for a visit. The refugees at the Greek/Turkish border. So many many people will be traumatized one way or the other when this will be all over. I probably shouldn’t be thinking about all of this too much, because there isn’t much I can do about either of those people. Donate to social services and all that, but that’s basically all for now.

I try not to worry too much about my elderly mum. My brothers and I are looking after her as good as we can, doing the shopping and all. She shares a house with one of my brothers, another one is living next door. I live a few minutes away and drop by once or twice a week as well. Not for long and with keeping my distance, washing my hands and all. Is that still a safe thing to do? I have no idea! And that weighs on my mind as well. The other issue that I think subconsciously troubles me as well, is, that I have no idea how much of a risk I actually am with the immunosupression I’m on. I didn’t find anything really detailed on the internet yet and my neurologist couldn’t tell me anything concrete either, as it’s not been the focus of any of the studies so far. Which I get, because there are more important things to do studies on right now. But once again the not knowing isn’t helping with the “every kind of grey” state of mind I’m in. My neurologist definitively thought it was good that I’m not working at the office at the moment. And I’m afraid I’ll be deemed one of those at-higher-risk people, the ‘experts’ would like to keep isolated when they’ll end the lockdown at some point in the future, because the world has to keep going and the businesses have to open again and all that. And even though I know it would be for my own good and all, it still makes me feel like Typhoid Mary, which I know is the wrong way to see it, but it’s still something I have a hard time accepting. I don’t know. And the not knowing is dragging me down. Again.

Yet another thing that’s bugging me about this weird state of mind us, that I can’t seem to focus or to find joy in many of the novels or TV or other leisurely activity I might have enjoyed before all of this. Over the past two weeks I’ve tried out various novels from my to-read-shelf or in my Kindle library. But all of them were either too serious or too silly. They had people getting sick or even dying, both a big NO for me these days. Except for the quite interesting crime novel I discovered yesterday: “Art of Death (The Mindful Detective)” by Laurence Anholt. But here the dead person or her relatives weren’t someone I had invested any feeling in yet, so I don’t mind. Is that a contradiction? I don’t know. Don’t care.

I also have a hard time listening to new music at the moment. I just can’t focus on the lyrics and those often are an important part of if and how I like new songs. But I just can’t. There’s a lot of relaxing piano music from Spotify in my music library at the moment. I can’t seem to focus on any new to me TV shows either. I’m on my umpteenth Gilmore Girls rerun. Happy, comfortable world and all that and I’m not ashamed to admit that anymore. I try to spend less time on my phone, mindlessly browsing through news feeds or Twitter, Instagram and such. I’ve reactivated the “Forest” App and that helps a bit to keep the constant grabbing for phone and check something in check to some degree.

Anyway, I’ve got all of that off my chest now and feel a bit better. We’re all in this together right? Some things that help with the “being together” part are some of the artists I love doing live streams from living room gigs or something like that. Frank Turner did one on Thursday to save money for independent music venues and he will do more of those in the future. One of my other favourites, Felix Hagan did one on Friday to raise money for CALM and he promised to do more of those as well. In both cases it was fun to follow the chat on Facebook (as well as I could) and to see so many familiar names. I love my music loving / gigging family and I can’t wait to hug all of them for real some day in the future. Felix Hagan did a slowed down piano version of my favourite song “Be A Freak” and this is how the lyrics from the top of this post continue

Or if your fabulous future is looking kind of bleak
Then sneak right up to the edge of the light and take a peak
You’ll find the devils and freaks, watch as they jump and spin
Throw out a lasso to grab your heart and pull you in
And when you kick off the chains it is the best thing Ever Ever Ever

So let’s hope we’ll kick off our chains a bit more often once this all is over. And let’s all be freaks :-)

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